The Poirot Drinking Game

The Agatha Christie's Poirot Drinking Game was invented in 2007 by two men of taste (one of whom being myself). It arose organically, as a side-effect of our affection for the programme, as well as out of our desire for an alternative to some of the overbearingly raucous drinking games demanding constant concentration that people tend to play.

Comfortably the most sophisticated drinking game that has been invented to date, despite all the fiddly “gentlemen’s rules” that sticklers tend to insist on when playing some others, it helps to be selective about who you play it with. The game requires patience and curiosity about the content of the episode. It isn’t simply a means to an end – the idea is that you enjoy the episode as well as the condition that the ensuing penalties induce. Don’t play it with anyone whose commitment to the show is questionable. Only the faithful merit divine grace, after all.

As with all drinking games designed to accompany TV shows, its basis is the assumption that episodes are highly predictable despite (in the case of this particular show, at least) also being dependably exciting. It is, perhaps, the combination of predictable incidental and minor events and unpredictable core plots that renders Poirot simultaneously homely and thrilling.

And if none of that convinces you of anything much, then consider the fact that the best thing ever made for the small screen deserves its own drinking game… surely?

Each player will need lots of beer, a bottle of his or her favourite spirit, a pint glass and a double shot glass. In case it isn’t obvious, a “finger” is the amount of beer corresponding to the length of a finger along the side of the pint glass, and a “shot” is a single shot of whichever spirit you have chosen to play with, unless a double is stipulated.

Players are warned that penalties tend to occur very irregularly. It is not uncommon to go from facing no penalties in half an hour to being required to drink two and a half pints and three shots in two minutes.

The rules are as follows:

-If Poirot dons a new hat, drink 3 fingers.

-The first time Poirot appears holding his cane, drink 3 fingers.

-If Poirot mentions his “little grey cells”, drink 3 fingers.

-If Poirot delivers a crushing verbal putdown to Hastings, drink 3 fingers.

-If Poirot wears his snood (moustache net), drink a double shot (NB: having seen all episodes of this wonderful show, I am fairly sure that this only happens in Murder on the Orient Express, which isn’t actually a Suchet episode at all. However, as an inspired suggestion by my valued friend and co-founder of the game, I feel that this rule deserves to remain in the game.)

-If Poirot pays himself a compliment (this happens a great deal), drink a shot.

-If someone tries to kill Poirot, drink a shot.

-Each time someone dies, drink 3 fingers (NB: this rule is ambiguous, as its applicability to the first murder of each episode has never been established. It can be interpreted as referring either to all murders, or just to each one after the first.)

-If Inspector Japp implies that his explanation of a murder is self-evidently correct, drink 3 fingers.

-If Poirot seems distressed or alienated by some aspect of British culture or convention (especially dietary), drink 3 fingers.

-If someone refers to Poirot as being French, drink 3 fingers (NB: some players may choose to extend the penalty, perhaps to four or five fingers, if Poirot corrects them).

-If a character (invariably one who will turn out to be a suspect, although rarely the actual murderer) says something to the effect of “I could kill you sometimes” to the victim shortly before he or she is killed, drink a shot (NB: don’t wait for the actual murder to confirm the penalty. If a character says anything in this vein, you can be absolutely certain that the subject of the remark won’t last long.)

-If Miss Lemon impinges on Poirot’s diet, drink a shot.

-If Inspector Japp makes an arrest, drink 3 fingers.

-If Poirot uses the discreetly hidden telescope on the end of his cane, drink 3 fingers.

-If, during the final scene, Poirot exposes a previously unknown family relationship, drink a shot. If the relationship in question involves a servant, drink a double shot.

-If, during the final scene, someone complains that Poirot's account of the murder is too longwinded, drink 3 fingers.

-(NB: don't use this rule if you value your life. You will, perhaps literally in the cases of some episodes, be out of your depth.) Each time Poirot superfluously inserts the word "the" into a sentence, drink a shot.

-GOLDEN RULE: If Poirot gets laid, drink an entire bottle of vodka in one go. Players must NOT bring a bottle of vodka for this purpose (it isn't as though they'd need it anyway) - they are required to go and buy/find a bottle whatever the circumstances under which the game is being played.

... enjoy.